How do moms manage to find time for themselves once the kids arrive? To me, the idea of “finding” time sounds a bit artificial. It would be great to sort through your clothes and stumble on 10 spare minutes, the way you stumble on a forgotten 10 Euro in a jacket pocket.
The most honest answer, at least from where I stand: you don’t find time, you make it.
Let me tell you a story from the marigold garden:
When the kids arrived, so did the magic of all the things I was doing for the first time. I had become someone’s mom for the first time, I had breastfed for the first time, and once my little ones grew a bit, I had cleaned off the mud from the puddles for the first time (and then many times over). I wouldn’t have wanted to miss a single moment, and I don’t think I did. My little ones ate first, while I barely managed to eat in between the daily chores. Not to mention about rest.
The problem wasn’t that help wasn’t offered: my husband was always involved, he’s the their parent too, and so was my mom whenever it was needed. But I felt it was my duty, as the mother, to do everything myself, to stay in control, to make sure everything went exactly the way I thought it should.
At some point I realized I was exhausted, that I wasn’t catching up on the sleep I needed, and that if I didn’t do something, my state would spill over onto the well-being of the whole family.
What I did: I chose to talk about how I felt, so I could figure out how I might take better care of myself. It wasn’t a sudden change, but small victories:
- going to supermarket alone for a few groceries (it felt like a dream come true, especially while I was breastfeeding and the kids were small)
- going once a month to a meetup with other moms that I hold dear
- not cleaning the second a crumb hit the floor (yes, I know it sounds extreme, but that’s what was happening)
It helped me enormously to know it’s okay: I can do it later, or tomorrow, nothing will happen.
And one thing I believe is very important, on top of making time for myself: improving my relationship with myself. It’s a subject I definitely want to come back to in more detail, but for now I chose to be kinder to myself, even in my thoughts, to allow myself to make mistakes, and to spend 10 minutes reading instead of vacuuming, because I feel that in that moment, that’s what I need.
It’s one of the lessons I want my kids to learn too: to value themselves and to always make time for themselves and their little pleasures.
No, I didn’t find time. I made it, 10 minutes at a time, with a book instead of a vacuum.